I Just Never Thought I'd Have This
by D.M.A.S
Summary: Set about 10 days after coming back from NYC and the events of the season 4 finale. Regina's POV regarding to the current OutlawQueen 'situation'. ONESHOT. OUTLAWQUEEN. I suck at summaries. Please give it a read.


_**AN:** I felt like writing a small oneshot about after the season 4 finale._  
 _Forgive my mistakes. As usual this is un-betaed and English isn't my first language. I tried my best though. Feedback is very much appreciated._  
 _ **Summary:** Set about 10 days after coming back from NYC and the events of the season 4 finale. Regina's POV. OutlawQueen 'situation'.  
 **Disclaimer:** I don't own any characters._

 **I just never thought I'd have this**

By now I'm in my office alone. Just another five more minutes before I can go home.  
Then there it is.  
Out of nowhere. I wasn't paying attention enough, I guess. Papercut.  
" _It doesn't hurt_ ", is what I say to myself imagening seeing a shadow of his hand on my cheek whilst I glance in the mirror on the wall and the memories of the week before last are coming back to me.  
 _It doesn't hurt but the tears are burning on my skin._  
Tears that are rooted anywhere but in a simple papercut.  
But it's already too late.  
Henry and Roland will be fast asleep by now and it's only Robin who will be waiting for me at home. He doesn't have to but he keeps telling me he wants to.  
And I've tried to talk him out of it before because I know how tired he must be.  
At least that's what I tell myself is the reason behind my actions.  
But it has become a ritual in the last almost two weeks that he will wait and that we will have a glass of wine or two before heading to bed.  
 _It's just another hour and two glasses of wine_ , I tell myself.

 _And as usual, we talked, I laughed, nearly cried and in the end didn't say anything at all, again._  
By now it is morning and he somehow manages to make us coffee without making a mess.  
There on the table lays one of yesterday's left overs. A chocolate heart coated in sugar glaze with a slight strawberry taste.  
His coffee mug stands steaming beside it and he gets the biggest knife he can find in the drawer.  
"We'll share", he says and only then am I looking up from the book I was pretending to read, no, actually trying to read, and at him.  
My thoughts had left the kitchen long ago.  
And in front of me _he cuts my heart in two same sized pieces_ and smiles.  
 _I would've given it to him completely._  
" _I love you_ ", he says whilst I'm closing my eyes not having to look at him. Because I know that he means it exactly the way he said it and it's breaking my heart whereas thousands of questions are running through my mind.  
One of them being, ' _what am I supposed to reply to that now?_ '  
' _I just never thought I'd have this_ ', is what I told him _back then_.  
And if only I could how I wanted to _then now would still be back then and everything different._

And before I can come up with anything to say he makes it easy for me by heading towards the bathroom for his morning routine of course not leaving me without giving me a quick kiss.  
It takes several moments before I close my book eventually. I couldn't concentrate on reading anyway.  
Too many questions on my mind. Questions that I don't even know I want the answers to. But I keep on looking for them anyway.  
I know how much time he had spend mouring Marian's death. And I also know that the two of them (or him and my sister) had crossed the townline 87 days ago. Aside that I know that Zelena is locked up and pregnant by him. And he hadn't even tried to deny it.  
I've been trying hard not to think about it but I can't help myself.  
Roland doesn't remember her. Which comes with complications to say the least.  
Henry understands that it's better for Roland. But hasn't asked the big questions. _Yet_.  
And I know he has them. I know he is dying to know the answers.  
Answers that I don't have myself.  
I need to talk to Robin. I know that much.  
But for once, maybe twice, in my life I'm actually afraid.  
Afraid of knowing. _Contemplating if not knowing_ might be the better option.  
But my mind is already close to exploding. And one day it will burst with all these thoughts if I don't ask him.  
But _today is not one of those days._  
Today I will stay in the unknown.  
I want to delay talking to him until I can't anymore. And not having to tell him at all even though I know that that will be impossible.

It is already too late when I realise that I knocked something off the table whilst putting my book down.  
It clashes and that's when I look at the floor and see the two pieces of china before I continue sipping on my coffee.  
It doesn't matter. _I'll glue the heart back together and everything will be fine again_.

" _I love you more_ ", is what I eventually tell him when he re-enters the kitchen instead of, " _I don't know what to do about us or any of this_ ".  
 _As well_ a sentence in which _him and me are still present_.


End file.
